My Feelings on Open Adoption

First off, I'm adding the disclaimer right at the beginning that most of these feelings and opinions come from what I've experienced and what I've talked with others about. I know that nothing about adoption or open adoption is ever the same and that you will not have a cookie cutter situation. I also know that not every situation can or should be open and that most of the time you have to just "wing it".

I honestly have to say that from the beginning of the adoption process, I had the secret feeling that everything would be easier if we would get a phone call from an agency that a baby had been left at the hospital & there was no interest in an open adoption. This baby would just be ours & ours only & I didn't have the desire to "share" our child with his/her first family. We said that we would keep our options open but still secretly hoped for only contact through the agency and thought that meeting any potential birth family was just too nerve wracking. Man! Did God do a major 360 degree turn on my heart during our process!  I started doing research on open adoptions and what some of the pros & cons were. Yes there were times where I'd find stories that would scare me or make me leery of opening ourselves up to more heartache.

But what I found more & more was that given the right situation & circumstances, it could be a huge blessing to not only the birth families but also to the child. Some question whether or not it would be confusing to the child on who the parents are. Some have also questioned whether it would just be too hard for the birth families to see the child, either in person or in pictures and therefore make the grieving process harder. Others have even said that because a birth parent places a child for adoption, that it means they don't love the child and shouldn't be allowed to know anything about how the child is doing.

The fact is, adoption has changed dramatically in the last 15-20 years. Research has shown that relationships with birth parents have given adopted children that "missing piece" to their heritage and questions that adopted children have about their birth families can be answered. Open adoption can also be helpful in giving birth families reassurance in their decision when they see the child they placed happy and loved. Questions about birth families health also can be answered.

But most of the time, success in an open adoption is communication between birth and adoptive families and knowing where the boundaries are. I know that sometimes this can be very tricky and that problems have occurred. Either party can be guilty of not doing what they said they would do or changes to that agreement need to be made. Whatever the circumstance, the most important person to consider is ALWAYS the child & if this relationship would be in his/her best interests. It certainly isn't always the case.

Our open adoption hasn't gone exactly like I thought it would. We had an agreement set at the hospital before Charlie's birthmom was discharged and we really thought that things would go as planned. Well, that hasn't been the case. We didn't hear anything from her like we had talked about but we still held up our end of the agreement. We understood that we really had no idea what she was going through and that if/when the time was right, we would hear from her. We told her this in every update we sent. I did mourn that fact that our relationship wasn't everything that I thought it would be. I prayed & thought about her everyday. Since Charlie's birthday, we've contact with her off and on & I can't even begin to tell you how awesome it is to have that. I've said before just how awesome I think Miss A is and her courage just blows me away. We've been able to work through some things together & I know without a doubt just how much she loves Charlie. I just hope & pray that through knowing us, she understands the love of God & just how much He loves her.