The Post in Which I'm Totally Honest

Okay, I've totally tried to write a couple of posts filled with fluff & nothingness but that's not really where I'm at right now. I feel like I've been dishonest at times responding to people who ask how we're doing. So if you want rambling & to go all over the place in reading the rest of this, then you may continue. If not, stop reading now.

This past month has been hard for me. I've been longing for our baby more than I ever thought I would, whoever that ends up being. I don't necessarily grieve this little girl that didn't become part of our family but the images of what we thought things would look like at this point. Being back at the point of waiting endlessly is almost suffocating to me. I've been just going through the motions but I've lacked the heart to do anything except what is totally necessary.

This past month has been the hardest part in this adoption journey yet. I'm sure that comes as no surprise. I've tried thinking of ways to direct my thoughts elsewhere & I'll seem to be getting somewhere with that & then I slip right back into "waiting mode". I've read emails, Bible passages & devotionals on waiting, some sent to me by people wanting to give some inspiration. As much as this all makes sense, I'm almost to the point that my heart doesn't care. I know God has a purpose & a plan. I know that this will all be made so beautiful. I know there are reasons to waiting & that it may have nothing to do with me but with someone else who needs God working in them. I know that I should be content whatever the circumstances that God has us placed in. I know when we are finally holding our little one this will all make sense & will all be worth it. But until then, my heart is not content & is broken.  I've had so many "why me" moments that I sound like a whiner in my head. I've had talks with God that have gone like "you've tested me enough now back off! I don't want to do this anymore!" I've begged & pleaded for Him to just let this adoption to be done & over with so that I can slip back into quiet mode & just live my life quietly. I've always wanted to live boldly for God but there is a huge part of me right now that is plain scared to death to ever jump in with both feet. I know that we've all had those moments in our lives where b/c of fear we fail to fully let God take over & lead our lives.

I thank God for giving us the Bible in times like this. The Book of Psalms has been awesome to read through! I know God is big enough to handle me being like this.  I'm going to leave with my favorite quote that I've been reciting in my head whenever I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction. I'm just thankful for a God that is the same as He was yesterday & is today & will be tomorrow!

"Faith is not a belief that everything will turn out to please us; rather it is the confidence that no matter how things turn out, God will somehow use the events in our days for His glory and for our good."