The Club No One Wants to Be Part Of

Yes, there is such a club. In fact, most people would rather die than be part of it. There isn't even a name for those of us in it. It's that horrible. But there are those of us who are survivors & have only our Father in heaven to thank for that. It's the club of Child Loss. There are many different forms of child loss. None worse than the other & equally as heartbreaking. I had always said that if I were to lose a child, you could just as well dig a hole & bury me too since the pain would be too much to handle. It was & still is my worst fear. In fact, I think my fear of having to ever walk that path again has been made even worse. So when I hear of any other parents being unwillingly put into this club, it breaks my heart more than anyone can imagine.  The thoughts of waking up, hoping that it was just a bad dream or even more cruel, dreaming that your child was just fine & you swore you heard him crying in the next room. The ache of wanting to have your child in arms so strong that you swear there are spiders crawling all over them. The pain that you have to endure being so horrible that you pray with every fiber in your being for God to return soon because it is more than you can handle & this is as good of a time as any for Him to make His glorious return & you just can't imagine not being able to be in heaven with your child. Yes, these are the thoughts of those of us who are now in this club.

Of course I'm terribly reflective around this time of year. It's inevitable.  Especially when I come across a blog of a family who is going through a very similar journey as we did 4 years ago. Immediately, my mind instantly brings me back to those days that we lived 4 years ago. My heart aches for them in a very personal way even though I do not know these people, except through their blog. Every year, I think back to what I was doing on what day & what Dawson was doing. I also think back to what was to lie ahead for us in the days & weeks to come. I could almost have a panic attack just thinking about it. The doctors coming to get us from the family lounge after his surgery & literally feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience walking down that hall. Something in me just knew that it wasn't good. My body not handling the news to the point of almost vomitting & my legs had no strength in them whatsoever. I literally could not get out of the chair. Just laying in the family lounge, just absolutely numb. I couldn't wrap my head around the news that the chances of my son making it were "slim to none". What person could possibly survive that kind of heartache?

It is because of God. I am a believer in Jesus. I am a believer that He died for my sins & there is something more grand & more glorious waiting for us in heaven than our earthly minds could ever wrap our minds around. I know that these beliefs can't take away from the grief & pain of what this world holds but it is the faith of what is waiting for us that is my only comfort of going through struggles & heartache in this world.

I know that this was very near to my Grandpa's heart & it rings so true to me & for so many others.

1 Q. What is your only comfort


in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,

but belong--

body and soul,

in life and in death--

to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.



He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,

and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.

He also watches over me in such a way

that not a hair can fall from my head

without the will of my Father in heaven:

in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.



Because I belong to him,

Christ, by his Holy Spirit,

assures me of eternal life

and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready

from now on to live for him.