Enjoying the Journey

I have to admit that I haven't been the greatest at taking time to sit back & enjoy the journey that we are on. I have been solely focused on the end result & how to get there faster that I think I've lost some of the joy that can come with letting God work in me. I've had a tough week. The fact that we've been on a list for 2 months & our profile hasn't even been shown once started to get to me. How can you be chosen if you aren't even being given a chance to be chosen? I thought there was a need for families like us to open up our home & now nothing! Not that I expected to be chosen fast but I know that most people are shown numerous times before being chosen so I just felt having to wait even longer to be presented was not a good sign. I even vented my frustrations to a couple of good friends who were willing to listen. Then I got my daily devotional by email today & all of the sudden, I felt like I had been overlooking so many things with my impatience. Remember I said I wasn't good at it the patience thing at all but God is so very gently reminding me that I have to keep working on it. Here is the verse that I opened up & it brought tears to my eyes because I knew that it was meant just for me, just for today. Thank you God for your Word to remind us who You are!

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. "[Philippians 4:8,9]

And She's Driving

I don't know if there is anything that can prepare you for sending your first child off in a car by themselves. I've never been good with giving up control on anything so this is a real test of just letting it go to God & know that He has her in His hands. She really is a good driver & will do everything she can to be safe but we all know how teenagers can be. So we just hit our knees from the time she leaves, to the time she gets home & then we can all breathe a little easier. So here's some pics of her & her car that we bought for her. It was my grandma's car, until she couldn't drive anymore. She's been the only owner of the car & it's just as old as Alexa so we felt that was appropriate. It will last her a long time on the road to Western!

Still Here

Yes, we are still here. It's hard to update all the time when there really is nothing new to report. We still haven't heard anymore on the possible situation from 1 of our agencies. It's hard to be patient & wait with no answers at all but I've been dealing with it okay. I've already seen some blessings in not getting a phone call yet. Jackson is now potty trained, except for at night. He's also becoming more attached to his daddy, which is a great thing since he's been such a mama's boy. He still prefers me but it's nice to see him want to go with Brian to do the "boy" thing. This will help a great deal when the baby comes. We've also had more time to apply for grants & do some fundraising. Patience is something I'm not great at but when I can see a blessing in the waiting time, it makes it easier to do. I'm sure to have my moments of not being able to stand it anymore but that's to be expected. Take joy in the little things.

There Can Be Nice People In This World

After some phone call by several people to DCI/FBI, we got things figured out. They have had lots of issues in the past with complaints of their papers looking so unofficial. The kind lady who our social worker talked to offered to go above & beyond what they normally do & put their official seal on our results so that they are accepted by any state, should we have to travel to a different state than our agencies. We are so appreciative of people willing to listen to our issues & do something about it. Anyone who has gone through the adoption process can tell you that when you have to go through some type of gov't office, it's not always a pleasant experience.

There has been some activity with 1 of our agencies but we haven't heard any specifics of the situation. We just keep praying that we will hear something soon. In His Time!

Waiting

I can feel discouragement starting to creep in. It's hard to not let it happen. I know we've always said that everything is in God's timing but sometimes it's way easier to say than to actually believe. I also know that there are lots of people who have been waiting a lot longer than we have for their children to come home. We been busy enough for the most part so I don't have too much time to dwell on it but when I do get a chance to let my mind wander, watch out! It's also a control thing. There is nothing that we can do at this point to speed things up or make a birth family choose us. We just have to trust that God knows our child will be & that it will be perfect in His time.

We have been accepted by Mother Goose Adoptions out of Arizona. They work in all states except 1 & they have been great so far. We are having some problems though with the FBI clearances that we received. We questioned that paper that we received earlier from the state since it was so unoffical looking & Mother Goose is worried that the piece of paper we received will not be accepted by some states. We really would hate for a situation to fall through b/c of a piece of paper that wasn't good enough. I know it happens but we are working on clearing it up before it becomes a problem. The other issue is that things in the adoption world keep getting more expensive. We are now looking at even more money to complete this adoption. I have to say that the money part is getting to me. When we started this process, we knew we didn't have the money it took to get through this. I absolutely hate that part of a reason we were so hesitant was because of money because that should not be the reason. The fact is adoption costs money. We understand why it costs what it does. There are steps that need to be taken to protect birth families & adoptive families. We all know that there are corrupt people out there that will see the money that could be made in adoption & will take advantage of that. We just have to accept the fact that it costs what it does & trust that God will help provide.

Even though we know that God provides, we know we also have the ability to work to raise this kind of money. So, we really do need everyone's help to bring this child home. We have been so lucky to have so many already help us raise the money needed to keep things going. We are so blessed! We are still hosting our suppers in our home & several dates that would work. If anyone would like to book a supper & help us out for our adoption fund, we would really appreciate it. We have several menu options to choose from & to be honest, both Brian & I love to do it. We couldn't think of a more fun way for us to raise funds for our adoption & get to serve those who are helping us out. We can host up to 12 people in our home or we can cater to another location. If you are intersted, you can call us or email us at bgulker@mtcnet.net. Also, please keep us in your prayers as continue to wait on Him.

The Club No One Wants to Be Part Of

Yes, there is such a club. In fact, most people would rather die than be part of it. There isn't even a name for those of us in it. It's that horrible. But there are those of us who are survivors & have only our Father in heaven to thank for that. It's the club of Child Loss. There are many different forms of child loss. None worse than the other & equally as heartbreaking. I had always said that if I were to lose a child, you could just as well dig a hole & bury me too since the pain would be too much to handle. It was & still is my worst fear. In fact, I think my fear of having to ever walk that path again has been made even worse. So when I hear of any other parents being unwillingly put into this club, it breaks my heart more than anyone can imagine.  The thoughts of waking up, hoping that it was just a bad dream or even more cruel, dreaming that your child was just fine & you swore you heard him crying in the next room. The ache of wanting to have your child in arms so strong that you swear there are spiders crawling all over them. The pain that you have to endure being so horrible that you pray with every fiber in your being for God to return soon because it is more than you can handle & this is as good of a time as any for Him to make His glorious return & you just can't imagine not being able to be in heaven with your child. Yes, these are the thoughts of those of us who are now in this club.

Of course I'm terribly reflective around this time of year. It's inevitable.  Especially when I come across a blog of a family who is going through a very similar journey as we did 4 years ago. Immediately, my mind instantly brings me back to those days that we lived 4 years ago. My heart aches for them in a very personal way even though I do not know these people, except through their blog. Every year, I think back to what I was doing on what day & what Dawson was doing. I also think back to what was to lie ahead for us in the days & weeks to come. I could almost have a panic attack just thinking about it. The doctors coming to get us from the family lounge after his surgery & literally feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience walking down that hall. Something in me just knew that it wasn't good. My body not handling the news to the point of almost vomitting & my legs had no strength in them whatsoever. I literally could not get out of the chair. Just laying in the family lounge, just absolutely numb. I couldn't wrap my head around the news that the chances of my son making it were "slim to none". What person could possibly survive that kind of heartache?

It is because of God. I am a believer in Jesus. I am a believer that He died for my sins & there is something more grand & more glorious waiting for us in heaven than our earthly minds could ever wrap our minds around. I know that these beliefs can't take away from the grief & pain of what this world holds but it is the faith of what is waiting for us that is my only comfort of going through struggles & heartache in this world.

I know that this was very near to my Grandpa's heart & it rings so true to me & for so many others.

1 Q. What is your only comfort


in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,

but belong--

body and soul,

in life and in death--

to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.



He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,

and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.

He also watches over me in such a way

that not a hair can fall from my head

without the will of my Father in heaven:

in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.



Because I belong to him,

Christ, by his Holy Spirit,

assures me of eternal life

and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready

from now on to live for him.

Day of Silence for Cohen

Our hearts break for these parents who are having a memorial service for little boy Cohen.
You can read more about there story here: http://www.inthiswonderfullife.com/
Please pray for this family.