We're LEAVING!!

Got the call this morning that Miss A is in labor & in the hospital as we speak! Pray for safe travels & that everything goes smoothly! We will update when we can!!

Weary

I think that best describes how we feel right now. Today is the due date & no word of the baby making an appearance anymore. It's exhausting to have everyday for the last 2+ weeks to be ready to leave at a moments notice. Constantly keeping everything in order & doing laundry at the late hours of the night just to make sure everything is clean "just in case". I know Miss A is also sick of this. 10 days ago she had thought she was in labor so we surely thought by now that the baby would be here.  I know this is repeating every post I've had lately but this is one of the 1st days that I've felt completely drained from trying to keep it all together & be positive. I'm sick of being such an outsider, not knowing how things are going or when the doctors will step in & get things started. I'm worried about how what we will do if we aren't back for the date of Wyatt's surgery & if we will need to reschedule it & when we would possibly do it. I know, it's worry & we are told not to do that but it's human nature. Yeah, the whole God's timing is perfect thing is too hard to grasp when we are on this side of things. I'll jump on that band wagon after the fact, okay?? But for right now, it bites! Yes, this is a pity party for now.

I also have to add a little disclaimer that I know so many of you in the adoption world have waited much, much longer and having this feeling & this intense wait makes me more & more convinced of God's grace on those families. I will not only be praying that our wait is done soon but I will also be on my knees to be praying for those who have been enduring this wait much longer than us. My heart aches for you! It really does & it makes me feel guilty for having these feelings when we've only been at this for as long as we have.

So, I ask you for continued prayers. Prayers for strength to keep going & prayers for peace. I have a very restless feeling & I hate that when I know that God is with me always & He is working all things for good.

Just Rolling With It

Yep, nothing. We know we can't do anything but wait. We are just rolling with each day & we know that 1 of these days we will get that call that the baby is on the way. We will have lots of family gatherings in the next 2 days to keep us occupied. The lesson on patience isn't always an easy one!

If you think....

we are about ready to go insane, you'd be correct! Miss A has now been pregnant longer than she ever has in the past. Go figure! The waiting is getting hard & I even find myself getting negative about not having our baby yet. I'm now very jumpy every time the phone rings & my heart starts to beat really fast. Then I see it's not our agency & then I have to go through the disappointment of it not being them. I know babies will come when they come but we really had hopes of getting things going here. We do see some pros with this waiting but we also see some cons. The major con is that we have Wyatt's surgery scheduled Dec. 10. If things get delayed with paperwork, we might have to reschedule things there or 1 of us has to come home early. All doable but I don't know if this mommy could be that far away when her son is in surgery! I guess I better live my motto "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!" to the fullest with this one! I'm sure He's gotten a chuckle out of me everyday for quite some time!

Not Yet

We are on pins & needles here! No baby yet but it should be soon. We are trying to remain patient but it is so hard! We know we aren't in control of anything. If she doesn't have the baby today, we are looking at a longer stay b/c of the Thanksgiving holiday. We know it's no one's fault & babies will come when they come. Just makes it a little harder with 4 kids back home to be gone even longer. But when we get our little one in our arms, we know that it will all be worth it! Just pray that the baby comes soon!

To Remain or Be in Readiness

It's just a fancy definition of "waiting". I'm sick of saying we are just "waiting". So instead, we are "to remain or be in readiness". Sounds a little prettier but it's still what we are doing. We are ready & getting anxious. I can't imagine a time frame moving more slowly!! Someone asked me if this was anything like the end of a pregnancy & I said it was worse! It most definitely is. There is no control. There are no contractions on my part. There are no doctors' appointments for us to be at. Nothing but to continue on with life as normal until we get that phone call. Each day that is new is a day that we could be welcoming our baby & that fact makes each exciting but also very long! We know it will be soon & of course in God's timing but this last little while has been hard to go through. We know babies come when it's time but being on the outside waiting is hard. It will be here before we know it & it will all be worth it! Can't "wait" til we are no longer "remaining or in readiness".

Smooth Move

I'm sure this will come as a complete shock but I can tend to pull some good moves at times. I'm really not a full out klutz but I can thank my mother (whom I love dearly) for being a little clumsy from time to time. Yesterday was no exception. We had baptism for my nephew, Kasen, yesterday morning so we had to be leaving the house quite a bit earlier than normal for a Sunday morning. I hadn't heard Alexa get up so I thought I would quickly run downstairs to see if she was, in fact, up & getting ready. Well, we have a wooden gate that automatically shuts behind you to go downstairs & as I stepped on the 2nd step, my foot literally slide off the step & I was on my way to landing very hard on my back side. So what's the natural thing to do? Grab onto anything for dear life to keep from falling all the way down! I had 1 hand on the gate & the other on the staircase & it caused a huge jolt on my arms & their sockets but I did stop myself, hard! I knew right away that the muscles in my arms & side were going to be hurting. I thought I was fine until this morning. I couldn't lift my arms above my head & I had a hard time getting Jackson dressed. I was also struggling at work with getting files put away on the top shelf. I'm hoping this is the worst it gets or I am in for it!

Just a couple weeks ago, I accidentally left my bottom drawer to my dresser open when I went to bed but wanted to quick get up & switch some laundry. I ran right into that drawer! Yep, I thought I broke a couple of toes but it was just black & blue for a while.

Des will get a kick out of this one! A few years ago when we raised golden retrievers, Brian & I thought it would be a good idea to take 1 of our new females on our walk/run with us. She was doing so good that we decided to run. We didn't get very far & something spooked her & the next thing I know, she ran right into me & totally took me out! My whole right side was completely scraped up.(Now you know why I refuse to run unless being chased!) I was picking gravel out of my arm for a week!

Okay, I think that's enough smooth moves for me for a while! If not, I need to look at getting better insurance because I am really intent on hurting myself lately!

1 Day at a Time

Still here. Still waiting. Nothing more for us to do at this point but wait for the phone to ring for us to come. We are so ready but are taking each day as it comes. We have been keeping busy & thankful for God's peace as we wait. Sorry for such a boring update but we hope to be updating with some good news soon! Just didn't want anyone to wonder what's going on!

Just keep swimming....Just keep swimming

I don't know why that phrase keeps popping into my head but I think I've said it my head several times a day lately! I quote kids' movies all the time so it should be no suprise when this phrase from "Finding Nemo" keeps coming up. We are definitely in "any day now" mode & the butterflies are working overtime. I have to say that I've felt a calm with my anxiety & just have excitement at this point. I've accepted the fact that we are on a roller coaster ride that we can't get off of & we just have to ride it to the end to see what is waiting for us. I'm just thankful that God is the One in control of that ride! We are busy packing & making preparations to be gone for unknown amount of time. Well, I guess if packing is considered as throwing stuff that we need to pack into a pile & dealing with it later then that's what I've been busy doing. I guess the reason that I haven't put anything into bags yet is because next week Brian is going to be closer to where we need to be & he will be putting some stuff in his car just in case we get the call to come. If that happens, I will be flying to the city that Miss A is in & will meet Brian there. I just want to minimize how many bags I have to take with me to fly. But we'll see how this all plays out & if Brian is home when we need to head out. At this point, we are supposed to get a call when Miss A goes into labor & we will try to make it out there as soon as possible. Of course, this is all just a plan & we know things can change quickly.

So just keep praying.......just keep praying!!!

My Grace is Sufficient

I have been so blessed already with the Beth Moore Bible study. We are currently doing "A Woman's Heart-God's Dwelling Place". I just have to say, she is amazing! She has such a wonderful gift to be able to minister to people & you can tell she just loves to learn everything she can about the Bible! This past session, she talked about something that really hit home to me. She was telling the story of  when her girls were little & 1 of her friends had a little girl that died at the age of 4 from cancer. She talked about how awful she felt & how she thought over & over that she could never handle going through what her friend was going through. She said how she had told God that she also wouldn't be able to go through what her friend was facing. Her & her friend then talked about how she was handling the loss of her daughter with such composure & she said it was because of 1 thing. God's grace. His grace was poured out to her in her time of need & it was sufficient for her.

How often do we(including myself) tend to look at different situations & think "There is no way I could handle that or I could never do that!"? How often do we let our fear overtake what we know God is capable of doing for us? We know that there will be pain our lives. It's inevitable in this life. But how many times do we make excuses for not listening to God because we fear where He will bring us? Do we really believe that He won't pour on us an extra dose of His grace to carry us through whatever it is that we are going through?

I can honestly say that I have faced my worst fear & probably most of any parents worst fear. I look back on that time in my life & the time since then that God dumped as much grace on us as we needed at that time. No way could I have survived that amount of pain & anguish without it & use it to my benefit.  Knowing how God will provide that grace when needed gives me the courage to move on with life & continue to step out in faith whenever He does call. His grace is sufficient!

Nerves vs Excitement

As the time approaches closer & closer, there are times that when I actually let myself think about getting this baby in my arms, I feel like I could hurl. Yep, that's right! Hurl. I've mentioned in a previous posts that nerves can get the better of me but then you add excitement to that & my stomach doesn't handle that combo very well. I had tried & tried to not let myself get so emotionally invested in this situation because I have tried to be "realistic" about what can happen. Honestly, this nerves vs excitement feeling happened when I was pregnant with Jackson too. I wanted him so badly but after such a devastating loss with Dawson, I had tried to prepare myself for not getting to keep Jackson either. So I just avoided trying to think about either scenario to try to protect myself. So what did that accomplish? Absolutely nothing! Would I have been less devastated at another loss because I didn't let myself think about it?  Would it have been easier? Of course not! Just like I didn't lose any joy at the fact that he was born healthy & is now snuggled up right next to me & just told me he "loved me so much!" Ah, nothing better in this world! This also means that I know that the fact that I've struggled with letting myself think about this baby becoming ours will not lessen the pain if it does not happen. We've been planning for this baby for quite some time now & our hearts would be broken if things didn't follow through, especially knowing the circumstances they are in.

I'm having similar feelings right now with my nervousness that were similar to when we were in Iowa City with Dawson. I remember after talking with 1 of the doctors about the statistics of the outcome of babies needing the type of surgery he did. I didn't like the numbers & the realization that the numbers meant nothing. I suddenly knew that none of us were in control of the outcome. Only God knew & only He knew what was best. I remember driving around the curve toward the hospital & having a feeling of letting go of the "steering wheel" & saying "okay, I give up. It's all up to you, God! I'm done struggling for control of a situation that I can't control!" I couldn't imagine the amount of peace that set in after letting go.  This is a similar kind of letting go. What will happen, will happen. Only God knows at this point if this child will be part of our family or not. I guess time will tell. Until then, I am relying on Him to helping me let go & calm the nervousness vs excitement that seems to settle in my stomach!

Shooting the Breeze

Yesterday I was overjoyed to finally get a chance to talk with Miss A!! It was good to know that she is still on track to move forward with this adoption & feels good with her decision to place, as of now. We now have 2 ways to keep in contact with each other & I hope that we can have a couple of conversations before we get a chance to meet each other. A visit is still in the works but no time has been set up as of yet. We really would like to get an idea from her doctor if an induction has been discussed or if they will just let her go on her own. This would give us an idea of when we could or should make the time to go see her. But for now, we just keep making preparations for this baby's arrival & pray that God's will be done. I know our goal is give this child a good home but we also have to be prepared that we may not get to that chance. We may only have a very brief opportunity to be that shining light of Christ to her. This may be the only time she knows the love of Christ, through us! We don't know if she will ever accept that love but she is worth it in God's eyes to have that chance! I know you guys are but please continue to keep us in your prayers. With things being so close to the end, nerves are setting in & fears have tried to take over. We are trying hard to not let them but when your heart & emotions are involved, Satan has a good way of playing with them!