Nerves vs Excitement

As the time approaches closer & closer, there are times that when I actually let myself think about getting this baby in my arms, I feel like I could hurl. Yep, that's right! Hurl. I've mentioned in a previous posts that nerves can get the better of me but then you add excitement to that & my stomach doesn't handle that combo very well. I had tried & tried to not let myself get so emotionally invested in this situation because I have tried to be "realistic" about what can happen. Honestly, this nerves vs excitement feeling happened when I was pregnant with Jackson too. I wanted him so badly but after such a devastating loss with Dawson, I had tried to prepare myself for not getting to keep Jackson either. So I just avoided trying to think about either scenario to try to protect myself. So what did that accomplish? Absolutely nothing! Would I have been less devastated at another loss because I didn't let myself think about it?  Would it have been easier? Of course not! Just like I didn't lose any joy at the fact that he was born healthy & is now snuggled up right next to me & just told me he "loved me so much!" Ah, nothing better in this world! This also means that I know that the fact that I've struggled with letting myself think about this baby becoming ours will not lessen the pain if it does not happen. We've been planning for this baby for quite some time now & our hearts would be broken if things didn't follow through, especially knowing the circumstances they are in.

I'm having similar feelings right now with my nervousness that were similar to when we were in Iowa City with Dawson. I remember after talking with 1 of the doctors about the statistics of the outcome of babies needing the type of surgery he did. I didn't like the numbers & the realization that the numbers meant nothing. I suddenly knew that none of us were in control of the outcome. Only God knew & only He knew what was best. I remember driving around the curve toward the hospital & having a feeling of letting go of the "steering wheel" & saying "okay, I give up. It's all up to you, God! I'm done struggling for control of a situation that I can't control!" I couldn't imagine the amount of peace that set in after letting go.  This is a similar kind of letting go. What will happen, will happen. Only God knows at this point if this child will be part of our family or not. I guess time will tell. Until then, I am relying on Him to helping me let go & calm the nervousness vs excitement that seems to settle in my stomach!