"Patience is bitter but....

....it's fruit is sweet."

I know the main theme in adoption is patience. Why in the world would a control freak with no patience think embarking on this journey would be a good idea is beyond me!! I don't like myself when I'm at this point & as hard as I try to just "shake it off", I just can't. I can't just not think about it & I haven't found a good distraction but my kids are the best thing I've got right now.

I've been down this road before of having to figure what to do with myself after thinking things would be so differently with a baby around. Back then my main focus was on getting pregnant again knowing nothing else could even dull the ache. I thought those days of waiting would literally kill me. I'm there again. Now I know that waiting & patience can't actually kill me but they can mess with  me, especially if I start letting the doubts & fears scream at me. They are loud & they are furious! There have been times I've wanted to mutter "Be Quiet Satan! I'm not gonna listen!" Why does he have to be so good at picking at our fears? Ugh! I've been frustrated to tears & have had many heated "conversations" with God.  My faith has never waivered but I'm really a "I want to know a purpose in all this" kinda gal. I think we all can be that way. I want to know why He wanted us to go through this adoption process after all that we've been through in the past. I want to know how I could convince myself that our adoption process was going to be this lovely beautiful thing(which I know it will be someday) without having to live through what we are. I don't want to wait anymore. Who are we kidding? Who likes to wait? Especially when we live in the "instant gratification" time period. Everything at our fingertips, right?

Don't get me wrong in any of this. Our faith in God & His plans have never wavered! Not once. We know He is pouring His grace on us & we are being sustained. Just working through all these emotions can be tough & as the quote says, "Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet."

I want to also ask for an unspoken prayer request totally unrelated to the adoption. I really don't want to go into detail because it's very personal & God already knows what it is. Thank you!