Waiting

I can feel discouragement starting to creep in. It's hard to not let it happen. I know we've always said that everything is in God's timing but sometimes it's way easier to say than to actually believe. I also know that there are lots of people who have been waiting a lot longer than we have for their children to come home. We been busy enough for the most part so I don't have too much time to dwell on it but when I do get a chance to let my mind wander, watch out! It's also a control thing. There is nothing that we can do at this point to speed things up or make a birth family choose us. We just have to trust that God knows our child will be & that it will be perfect in His time.

We have been accepted by Mother Goose Adoptions out of Arizona. They work in all states except 1 & they have been great so far. We are having some problems though with the FBI clearances that we received. We questioned that paper that we received earlier from the state since it was so unoffical looking & Mother Goose is worried that the piece of paper we received will not be accepted by some states. We really would hate for a situation to fall through b/c of a piece of paper that wasn't good enough. I know it happens but we are working on clearing it up before it becomes a problem. The other issue is that things in the adoption world keep getting more expensive. We are now looking at even more money to complete this adoption. I have to say that the money part is getting to me. When we started this process, we knew we didn't have the money it took to get through this. I absolutely hate that part of a reason we were so hesitant was because of money because that should not be the reason. The fact is adoption costs money. We understand why it costs what it does. There are steps that need to be taken to protect birth families & adoptive families. We all know that there are corrupt people out there that will see the money that could be made in adoption & will take advantage of that. We just have to accept the fact that it costs what it does & trust that God will help provide.

Even though we know that God provides, we know we also have the ability to work to raise this kind of money. So, we really do need everyone's help to bring this child home. We have been so lucky to have so many already help us raise the money needed to keep things going. We are so blessed! We are still hosting our suppers in our home & several dates that would work. If anyone would like to book a supper & help us out for our adoption fund, we would really appreciate it. We have several menu options to choose from & to be honest, both Brian & I love to do it. We couldn't think of a more fun way for us to raise funds for our adoption & get to serve those who are helping us out. We can host up to 12 people in our home or we can cater to another location. If you are intersted, you can call us or email us at bgulker@mtcnet.net. Also, please keep us in your prayers as continue to wait on Him.

The Club No One Wants to Be Part Of

Yes, there is such a club. In fact, most people would rather die than be part of it. There isn't even a name for those of us in it. It's that horrible. But there are those of us who are survivors & have only our Father in heaven to thank for that. It's the club of Child Loss. There are many different forms of child loss. None worse than the other & equally as heartbreaking. I had always said that if I were to lose a child, you could just as well dig a hole & bury me too since the pain would be too much to handle. It was & still is my worst fear. In fact, I think my fear of having to ever walk that path again has been made even worse. So when I hear of any other parents being unwillingly put into this club, it breaks my heart more than anyone can imagine.  The thoughts of waking up, hoping that it was just a bad dream or even more cruel, dreaming that your child was just fine & you swore you heard him crying in the next room. The ache of wanting to have your child in arms so strong that you swear there are spiders crawling all over them. The pain that you have to endure being so horrible that you pray with every fiber in your being for God to return soon because it is more than you can handle & this is as good of a time as any for Him to make His glorious return & you just can't imagine not being able to be in heaven with your child. Yes, these are the thoughts of those of us who are now in this club.

Of course I'm terribly reflective around this time of year. It's inevitable.  Especially when I come across a blog of a family who is going through a very similar journey as we did 4 years ago. Immediately, my mind instantly brings me back to those days that we lived 4 years ago. My heart aches for them in a very personal way even though I do not know these people, except through their blog. Every year, I think back to what I was doing on what day & what Dawson was doing. I also think back to what was to lie ahead for us in the days & weeks to come. I could almost have a panic attack just thinking about it. The doctors coming to get us from the family lounge after his surgery & literally feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience walking down that hall. Something in me just knew that it wasn't good. My body not handling the news to the point of almost vomitting & my legs had no strength in them whatsoever. I literally could not get out of the chair. Just laying in the family lounge, just absolutely numb. I couldn't wrap my head around the news that the chances of my son making it were "slim to none". What person could possibly survive that kind of heartache?

It is because of God. I am a believer in Jesus. I am a believer that He died for my sins & there is something more grand & more glorious waiting for us in heaven than our earthly minds could ever wrap our minds around. I know that these beliefs can't take away from the grief & pain of what this world holds but it is the faith of what is waiting for us that is my only comfort of going through struggles & heartache in this world.

I know that this was very near to my Grandpa's heart & it rings so true to me & for so many others.

1 Q. What is your only comfort


in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,

but belong--

body and soul,

in life and in death--

to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.



He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,

and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.

He also watches over me in such a way

that not a hair can fall from my head

without the will of my Father in heaven:

in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.



Because I belong to him,

Christ, by his Holy Spirit,

assures me of eternal life

and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready

from now on to live for him.

Day of Silence for Cohen

Our hearts break for these parents who are having a memorial service for little boy Cohen.
You can read more about there story here: http://www.inthiswonderfullife.com/
Please pray for this family.

The Package Arrived

Just got an email that our application & profile books have arrived at our 2nd agency. She said she will look over everything to make sure they have what they need & then we will officially be on their list too. We are so excited to see what God has in store for us & who our son will be. If I let myself think day-dream enough about it, I get butterflies in my stomach. During the night, around 2 am, I woke up very suddenly with a panic & had a hard time falling back to sleep. My husband will tell you that this rare since I never have trouble falling asleep & staying that way. I don't know what that was all about but it will be interesting to see when we look back at things if anything was happening around that time. I will let you know as soon as we can when we are fully approved! I did put a hint at the top of my playlist which state we had to send everything to!

Should Know By Thursday

We received an email from our potential 2nd agency that we should have a welcome email on Thursday if our package arrives today, like it should, but we all know how that can go. We are excited to see what God has in store for us. We have been told that things can move fairly quickly but also know that we could still wait for a while. We have definitely been staying busy, which I have appreciated very much!

We spent this past weekend at Lake Shatek with Brian's sister Chellie & her husband Tim. It was not quite as smooth of a weekend as we had pictured but we still had a great time. Emma & Jackson came down with fevers within a few hours of being there. We had a hard time getting their fevers to come down & since Emma is allergic to ibuprofen, we didn't have many options. A long night of sleep & Tylenol did the trick for her after all. Jackson on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. His stomach must not have liked the medicine we gave him since he ended up throwing up all over the bed late that night. He had a pretty nasty fever off & on all night but seemed better the next day so we decided to stay. Later that day, his fever spiked again. After some more ibuprofen, he went to bed. Yep, you guessed it! Threw up all over the bed again. Glad I had Brian there to help out though. It definitely was a 2 person job to get everything cleaned up & back to bed. Jackson did fine the rest of the night & was fine the next day & his fever has returned since. We also had interesting times with bad weather both nights. There were tornadoes all around the area & we had to keep a close eye on things since we really weren't anywhere truly safe. We ended up with some pretty high winds & lots of rain but nothing too severe, thank goodness! We did hear that my sister Amy had a tree fall on their house but they were on vacation. Luckily there wasn't too much damage since the chimney ended up breaking the fall of the tree. Glad that no one was hurt.

Jackson also decided this weekend that he was no longer going to wear diapers! He has done so well & only had a couple of accidents in the #2 catagory. But we are getting there & I can't believe he flipped the switch so quickly when we've tried several times for him to potty train. You'd think after doing this 4 times, I'd be a pro at it but I have alway said how I have 4 completely different children & nothing works the same with all of the them. I'm just glad that we will most likely not have 2 in diapers anytime soon!

Here's a few pics from this weekend! Enjoy!

In Memory of Dawson Bradley Gulker

I can't believe that it's been 4 years ago today that you came into our lives. We were so excited to finally meet you & to find out if you were a boy or a girl. Never in a million years were we prepared for what God had in store for us through you. We were so scared when you were born with so many complications. I remember sitting on the hospital bed, knowing that our lives would never be the same from that moment on. We just wanted you to be okay & to be able to take you home with us. I couldn't imagine the thought of life without you but also scared of what would lie ahead for you & all the challenges you would face. All I know is that whatever faith I thought I had, it would be put to the ultimate test in the days & weeks to come. I kept telling your Dad that God had a purpose for you & for what we were to go through & it could only be for the good. It wasn't what we planned but we would accept it & look for any good we could. After the initial shock wore off that day, all I know is that I wanted you in my arms & to love on you every chance we could. We fell in love so deeply, that we were ready to go anywhere we could to get you the care that you needed. There were many, many tears shed with the ups & downs of hospital life but we also met & encountered so many wonderful doctors, nurses & other parents with babies in the NICU. Your sisters & brother wanted you to be with us so badly too & it was so hard to be away from them. We were so excited at the U of Iowa Hospitals that they were allowed to be in the room with us & hold you. It brings tears to my eyes even now as they had to look you over & check out this brother of theirs. All the complications that you had seemed interesting to them for about 2 seconds & then you were just their brother in their eyes. It no longer mattered that you had only 1 ear or a cleft lip or only 1 lung or your heart on the wrong side of your body. You were created just how God wanted you to be created. You baffled all the doctors on how well you did with all your issues & we were so proud of you being the little fighter that you were. We knew that when the doctors told us that there was no explanation for you to be able to breathe on your own or how even though your heart was on the wrong side of your body that it was made perfectly for the imperfection that only God could have knit you together so beautifully. He allowed you to show us that our faith relied on us not having an explanation or a reason. We just trusted from that moment that you were God's child & we were not in control. We also learned the power of prayer, not only from us but from everyone that we knew & even those that we didn't. We were humbled that so many people cared & prayed for you, a little boy named Dawson, who never spoke a single word but told an amazing story. Our story.

So, Dawson Bradley, even though you are not here today to add any more to your story, we are & it is an amazing one. If it weren't for you, I can tell you that the world would seem so much smaller & our vision for this life on earth & beyond wouldn't be as sweet. Your story, which became ours, has taken us down a journey of faith that I wouldn't trade for anything. There is no way that I could have learned what I have any other way. You taught us to look at things with the eyes of God & not as us dreadful sinners.

Here is the video that was played at his funeral. I did have to remake it on our Movie Maker so it's not as good as the original but it is still beautiful.(Remember to pause the music below)


Untitled from Mel Gulker on Vimeo.

Also, I have a song at the top of my playlist by Selah that has meant so much to us. The lead singer of Selah, Todd Smith & his wife Angie, lost a little girl Audrey, very shortly after birth & this song was written in honor of Audrey Caroline. Her blog has brought lost of inspiration to many people, especially those of us who have a similar story of infant loss. She has a new book out that I desperately want & I can't wait to get my hands on it soon. Here is a blog link to read their story. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Feeling a Little Sheepish

When I made the comment in my previous post about the books making a magical appearance, I really didn't think it would happen! But I always say God still has a sense of humor! 1 of my lovely children, who will remain nameless.....     

....decided to be really helpful & take the package from the Fed-Ex guys & put it in the garage. So close to really being a help & if he had only taken a few more steps into the house, he would have gotten helper of the year award! I just love him & his face was priceless when he found out I was really wanting that package! Oh well, we had a good little laugh & I can now send a nice little apology to Snapfish for the email I sent informing them of their not so great 2-day shipping! Oops! I guess sometimes we just have to eat a little humble pie! I'm sure other adoptive moms can relate to the whole waiting on USPS, Fed-Ex, or UPS & not being very patient. Yep! It's a downfall of mine! Glad that God can send these little reminders to still wait on Him!